I've never been able stay pregnant for
more than 10 weeks. Usually a lot less. I have dodgy chromosomes
and lupus to boot, and about 5 or 6 years ago I decided that I
couldn't 'try' any more.
I still feel that my decision to focus
on the things I have in my life (rather than those I don't) is one of
the most positive and significant decisions I am ever likely to make.
It was with that decision that I moved away from despair and
depression and started living a full life again.
There's this 'but' though ...
A number of close and not so close
friends have had babies since then. And a sister. Every single
time, I have gone through the pregnancy with reasonable equanimity
(barring a roar of pain the first time I get too drunk after I find
out about the pregnancy).
Then, nature taking it's course,
there's a baby ... and that's when things always seem to get hard.
I'm good at babies and small children. I am the youngest of a large
and fecund family, so I have been around children of all ages since I
was a child myself.
... So I find myself with a baby in my
arms, and I coo and cuddle and comfort, I relate and engage and
stimulate and I think generally I make most babies I hold feel relaxed,
safe and probably loved.
I give it back to mum or dad, go home
and howl. I might see the baby only one or twice, or a little more
often, but I get to the point – every time – that I just can't
bare to spend time with them. I have avoided a sister and friends
after holding their new babies. Every time someone I care about has
said “I'm pregnant”, I have promised myself that I will not back
off. But I do. Every time.
By the time the child is toddling I can
bare it again, and fortunately on most occasions, relationships have
been re-established at around 1 to 2 years. But it does feel like it
has impacted on my relationships with loved ones, that it throws up a
barrier.
... And here's my dilemma ... being
able to recognise this defensive (protective?) response in me, do I
talk to my friends that are due to have a baby soon? Do I tell them
that I will back off, but come back to them when s/he's walking?
I am terrified of the 'offence' I may
cause. Or the loss of that friendship. But I know this pattern now,
and know that I'll feel hurt and low and sad every time I see their
baby, to the extent that I WILL back off.
I want to get it out in the open, but I
just don't know how or even if I should. Part of me thinks that new
parents may actually not see my backing off in the same light as I.
They may just read the lessening of contact as being a natural part
of being new parents. I wonder if I really just want to put a damper
on their joy, by letting them know I can't bare to share it? Or
magnifying my 'issues' further than I should.
I just don't know. My friends will be
parents within the next 6 to 8 weeks. I'm already stressing. Where
on earth do I put it?
esm
